Welcome to my EDNOS world.

June 9, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — redrevolver @ 1:07 pm

Okay. So far eaten today (although I’ve only been up for an hour and a half):

2 go ahead yoghurt slices and a banana, with 3 cups of coffee (with fruit sugar and semi-skimmed milk) and a cup of tea (fruit sugar and semi-skimmed milk).

I’ve done a bit of exercise – not too shabby, really, seeing as I’ve not done anything for a while. Apart from spins. That’s crunches and spins I’ve done today, and would like to go on my exercise bike and maybe my side-stepper later. When I get money I’m going to buy three things:

A properly long skipping rope (although dunno where I’d use it)
A mini-trampoline (probably put that outside my bedroom or in the living room :P)
And a yoga mat and proper exercise ball.

I may buy some proper books and DVDs on exercise. That reminds me – I’ve still got that exercise DVD from Bliss that was actually quite good if I remember correctly.

Hmm…other things are okay. I feel pretty today. I dunno why. I think wearing tops that are fucking massive on you, and then realising you can fit into your pretty skinny sisters clothes (albeit they look horrid) then you feel okay about yourself.

=] So, yes, that’s my entry for today. I may add some stuff later/make another entry, seeing as it IS only 2:05 but I feel pretty bad for not makingĀ  a proper entry yesterday.

June 8, 2008

Tomorrow.

Filed under: Uncategorized — redrevolver @ 11:41 pm

Is a new day. I like to take life’s different little events, no matter how big or small as symbolism for something else.

I’m taking today’s powercut as a new beginning. Starving myself tomorrow. Will try and exercise as much as possible.

I’ll type a full entry tomorrow, because our power is ACTUALLY WORKING RIGHT NOW. :P

June 6, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — redrevolver @ 1:47 pm

Jealousy is shit. I’m jealous of two people, two people I’ve NEVER met and two people who made my world for a few months at the beginning of ’07. One of them I’ve started to care about, not really liking her for a time, and the other I was in love with, and I still think I am.

Since I’ve known the guy, he’s had 4 girlfriends. He’s had 6 in the past 2 years. I guess I’m both jealous because I want us to be friends again. Good friends, like we used to be. And more, but I’d settle for good friends if that was the best thing I could do. I miss him though. Especially his voice. God, his voice could make you drool, make your heart race. Make you fall in love.

We still talk from time to time, and it’s nice when we do. The humour is still there, for the most part. I wish I could tell him about this…we were still good friends when all of this really started getting out of hand. Well, I guess, it was always out of hand. It has been, even since I was still in proper school. =[. I just want a window of oppurtunity, to know I could explain how I feel without him jumping on my back about it. I dunno. It’s all weird. I found out he has a new girlfriend, someone I knew NOTHING of. Her name is Charlie, and unlike Lois, actually quite pretty. Which makes it so much harder. I’m not pretty, I’m so so ugly. And he’ll never take notice of me.

That’s the hardest part, I think. He knew I loved him, I was in love with him. Because of that, whenever he has a girlfriend, he won’t talk to me because of them. I think he thinks I’m going to try things. But whilst I definitely have a crush on him, I don’t want a relationship with him apart from a fucking great friendship. We’re so similar, it would be a waste to give up on this. I just feel bad that I was born hundreds of miles away :/ I feel better knowing at least he’s only two or three train rides away.
And the girl. I do care about her. And I feel so sad too. I want her to be happy, and I don’t think she is. We used to be quite close, and I want to be close to her again. If I had any RL thinspiration, it would be her…

I could never tell her though, I wouldn’t want her to think me a wannarexic…god I hate that word. I’m not wannarexic. I try to eat healthily. That just doesn’t seem enough, sometimes. And making myself throw up. I hate that too. I wish everything could just be normal in me. Nothing will be normal, will it? :(

EDIT: 4 GIRLFRIENDS. 4.

June 4, 2008

Shit day.

Filed under: Uncategorized — redrevolver @ 11:37 pm

Eurgh. I was going to try and do my first (successful) fast today, mainly because it wasn’t an exam day. Muh. I’ll try this weekend, and sleep through it all. God knows I need a rest.

Basically, I failed because I had an argument at school. No, not a personal, bitchy argument. It was about politics and ethnic minorities (yawn) and yadda yadda yadda, I got offended, upset and stormed out of the room into the kitchen and threw my cup at the sink. I spent the next 40 minutes crying in the kitchen and running to the bathroom whenever I thought someone was coming. NB: This was in school.

Anyhow, I felt pretty shit. My teacher came out several times to try and get me to join in again, but I wouldn’t. I’m glad I didn’t tbh. I mean, I understood their points of views, but I find it so hard to articulate myself properly, especially if I’m trying to explain something I don’t fully understand myself. I came home and looked on the internet and found out I was right anyway.

I’ve got my second language paper tomorrow. I hope it’s as okay as the last one, and not too similar to the literature paper. Thank God that literature at AS level is (supposedly) better than GCSE.

I’ve also just finished (probably unsuccessfully) curling my hair. Why curl it, I hear you cry, when your luscious locks are already bouncy and ringlety as it is?! Well, my hair is the SHITE kind of curly. Not that I think I’m going to make it the nice kind of curly either. But, y’know.

Hm. My back hurts. I have an exam tomorrow…

Ooh yeah. There was something else I meant to say but I’ve forgotten. :S. Ah well. Maybe I’ll remember tomorrow and blog it then.

Tata for now my bandy little chaps (bandy?! Wtf) OH OH! I just remembered! It’s not actually important, I just want to log it here.

Anyhoos…I received a letter from Southwark College today. Saying ‘Congratulations on getting your place’. I was like, ‘…wth?’. They were telling me about some one day complimentary level 2 food health and safety course I needed to go to…why the fuck would I need to go to a food health and safety course if I were doing humanities and English A Levels? Which leaves me guessing that they’ve either got me confused with someone else, or are just cunts.

ANYWAY enough of this shit. I need to get myself to bed, quick smart. ;)

Love always,

The Masterful One.

June 3, 2008

I apologise.

Filed under: Blog. — redrevolver @ 9:38 pm

I do indeed apologise to my non-existent readers, for not improving this. I’ve contended with exam pressure for the past few months and it definitely has been having an effect on me :S I’ve been binging like John Prescott on a bad day, haha.
Anyhow, I do promise to keep this up. I’m going to save it as my frontpage on FireFox. I’ve deleted the pages as I can’t deal with them right now. It’s a lot of work, and I don’t have the concentration atm. However, I’m working on a proper site (I.E. without the blog) with possible linkage to this blog.

I guess part of myself may not even want to keep this blog up. I mean, it’ll just show how much I fail, day after day. Where the Hell is my self control, and my faith in myself? Jessica said this is because I put a lot of pressure on myself for having good non-verbal reasoning skills but only above average and average in everything apart from theory of mind (which I’m technically a retarded in :D). I dunno. I have pretty shitty self-esteem, but I honestly don’t think it’s my mental capacity that does that.

I met Phil Collins (no, not the singer – he’s my psychiatrist) and he seemed okay. He has a moustache that looks like he’s broken off a broom handle and stuck the brush on his face. Seriously. It seems to move independently of itself, LOL. He started talking to me about my eating habits, and I just couldn’t say anything about making myself sick. He asked, and I feigned being offended and burst into tears. Of course, the tears were real, because I’ve never ever spoken about how guilty food makes me before. To anyone but my mother, of course. =[ Then my Mum had a chat with him on her own with Jessica, and apparently ‘got out of her pram’ LOL. God knows I love her, but she can be a bit of a silly sausage sometimes.

I also have started reading about this thing about spinning – seriously, get in. I love spinning. Always have. And I swear I’ve always thought spinning must have some gravitational effect on your weight (yes, I r scientist) and whilst that may not be true (according to this article) it’s true enough to lose 3 pounds a week or something. I’m also going to buy myself a trampoline. I need to do some fun exercise. My bike has bored me, and I rarely go on it, and if I do, it’s for less than 10 minutes. I also can’t do push ups or anything, ’cause I feel stupid.

Then I feel fat and ugly, make resolutions for the rest of my life, come the morning I do the same shit as the day before. I wonder if I’ll ever get where I want to be? I doubt it. Oh well.

I’ve had about 700 calories today. I dunno whether to be proud of myself or not.

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