Welcome to my EDNOS world.

June 6, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — redrevolver @ 1:47 pm

Jealousy is shit. I’m jealous of two people, two people I’ve NEVER met and two people who made my world for a few months at the beginning of ’07. One of them I’ve started to care about, not really liking her for a time, and the other I was in love with, and I still think I am.

Since I’ve known the guy, he’s had 4 girlfriends. He’s had 6 in the past 2 years. I guess I’m both jealous because I want us to be friends again. Good friends, like we used to be. And more, but I’d settle for good friends if that was the best thing I could do. I miss him though. Especially his voice. God, his voice could make you drool, make your heart race. Make you fall in love.

We still talk from time to time, and it’s nice when we do. The humour is still there, for the most part. I wish I could tell him about this…we were still good friends when all of this really started getting out of hand. Well, I guess, it was always out of hand. It has been, even since I was still in proper school. =[. I just want a window of oppurtunity, to know I could explain how I feel without him jumping on my back about it. I dunno. It’s all weird. I found out he has a new girlfriend, someone I knew NOTHING of. Her name is Charlie, and unlike Lois, actually quite pretty. Which makes it so much harder. I’m not pretty, I’m so so ugly. And he’ll never take notice of me.

That’s the hardest part, I think. He knew I loved him, I was in love with him. Because of that, whenever he has a girlfriend, he won’t talk to me because of them. I think he thinks I’m going to try things. But whilst I definitely have a crush on him, I don’t want a relationship with him apart from a fucking great friendship. We’re so similar, it would be a waste to give up on this. I just feel bad that I was born hundreds of miles away :/ I feel better knowing at least he’s only two or three train rides away.
And the girl. I do care about her. And I feel so sad too. I want her to be happy, and I don’t think she is. We used to be quite close, and I want to be close to her again. If I had any RL thinspiration, it would be her…

I could never tell her though, I wouldn’t want her to think me a wannarexic…god I hate that word. I’m not wannarexic. I try to eat healthily. That just doesn’t seem enough, sometimes. And making myself throw up. I hate that too. I wish everything could just be normal in me. Nothing will be normal, will it? 😦



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